Public Bathrooms.

I cannot stand "wave-of-hand" activated bathroom stuff.

It always takes me 15 minutes longer than I have ever needed to dry my hands with the hand-wave paper towel machines at Emerson.

The water never stays on either. I always move my hand just off axis for the sensor or cause the soap thingy to go buckwild and squirt way too much soap all over the place.

They don't make things easier. You just look like an idiot and everything takes longer to do.



I also hate push-activated faucets. They had these at my high school. The whole design is that you set it to your desired water temperature then depress the faucet thing. By some mysterious force (hydraulics? wtf.), the water comes out of the faucet for a short time period that is supposed to be ample time for you to wash your hands in.

THESE NEVER WORK PROPERLY.

I always lather my hands with crappy pink soap then try to push down on the knob, only to get a short burst of water.

Now, I've got to get myself in the infinitely awkward position where I somehow manage to use my elbow to hold down the faucet device and wash my hands one by one. If someone came into the bathroom, they'd probably think I'm trying to plant a bomb in the sink.



Just give me knobs. And manual towel dispensers.

Actors.

If you are writing a movie or a TV show and you write a character who (for whatever reason) smokes a lot, do me one big favor.

Cast someone who actually knows how to smoke a cigarette.

I don't care about the actor's resume or the way he or she looks. I'm immediately going to write off the actor or actress if I can tell that he or she is clearly not smoking.

I attend an extremely arts-based college, I can tell you that there is no shortage of talented artists who smoke. So not being able to find an actor who has experience smoking is a bad excuse.

I'm not even going to list examples. There are too many.

Mail-in rebates.

Does anyone ever actually mail in mail-in rebates?

Without mail-in rebates, I would actually know what some items actually cost. And douchebag salespeople wouldn't have to weasel me around the actual price of something. Look. If I am going to buy this TV or buy this video game or buy this phone, I'm going to buy it. Mail-in rebates are actually turning me away from buying it.

Just post the normal pricing. Maybe I'll be happy to find out that it will actually be less with a rebate when I come in to buy the item. Maybe then I'll actually mail in the stupid rebate. Other wise, forget it.

freecreditreport.com commercials.

Non-musicians.

Look.

If you are going to cast a movie, TV show, commercial, WHATEVER, do not under any circumstances even think about filling that role of the hunky older brother who plays guitar with an actor who doesn't even know what a guitar is.

We can all tell that you're fumbling with that instrument like a middle schooler fumbles with his own junk after he eventually figures out what he can do with it. Please.

Examples:

1. freecreditreport.com commercials

2. Bring It On

Toothpaste/brush.

I know this is kind of a classic, but I hate when the toothpaste gets squeezed from the middle. It just makes the tube look like Dennis the Menace tried to sabotage your bathroom. It's all wrinkly and just gives an "I-still-do-a-lot-of-things-with-just-as-little-grace-and-attention-as-a-five-year-old" kind of look.




Same goes for ruthless toothpaste applyers. There is a way to put toothpaste on the bristles of your toothbrush without making such a mess of the toothpaste tube opening that the cap is glued to the tube overnight.





And please, buy a new toothbrush when the bristles start to curl so much that they don't do anything. You might as well just rub your teeth with a rag, there is NO brushing taking place at that point. Just get a new one. They are not expensive, so the price argument is useless.

Chill out.

I hate when girls untag themselves from pictures on facebook because they don't like how they look in the picture or it isn't very flattering. who cares? its probably a hilarious picture, and your friends have a right to see it and grill your ass over it, your facebook page isn't your modeling portfolio, shit.

Layers

So I like well-to-tight fitting jackets or sweatshirts/sweaters. This is sometimes accompanied by a slightly loose shirt underneath, and there are few things worse than a bad pairing in which everytime to transition from cold outside to warm inside you go to take off your sweater and end up looking like this guy inside a public place, or your shirt is just stuck up around your armpits, leaving your entire midsection inappropriately exposed.

That Was Easy....unless you screw up.

Ever screw up a stapling job? stapling is easy enough to do, but eventually everyone messes up a little bit. Well, if you mess it up and put the staple too far into the page it isnt fatal but goddamn does it piss me off. the result is this horribly asymetrical fold which can cut off chucks of text and is a hassle to flip pages. Below is a crude MS Paint diagram:

Literally.

A former high school teacher of mine (Ms. Keirstead) reminded me of this peeve.


Do not use "literally" to explain something you did "figuratively".

For instance:
"The exam was so hard, I literally killed myself afterwards."

There is nothing literal about that. The fact that I heard you say that proves that you did not "literally" kill yourself.

Or perhaps:
"I bought so many hookers in Amsterdam that my credit card literally melted."

Highly unlikely. Swiping a debit/credit card will not make it melt.
If this actually happens, please contact me. I will literally (yes, literally) send you a cookie.

How about:
"I saw my ex-boyfriend on the side of the road and I literally ran him over, I was so angry."

This had better be figurative. Otherwise, that's manslaughter.



So be careful with your hyperbole and DO NOT use "literally" about something that was actually figurative. Someone might actually think that you killed the clerk at 7-Eleven for taking too long to find a soft pack of Camel crushes.


P.B. (post blog)

Thanks to my brother Tom Gilbert for this. and this.

American.

If I know you, there is a very good chance we are pretty close in age, give a few years on either end.

Barack Obama is now the President of the United States of America.

When someone says; "I feel proud to be an American for once in a long time", I wonder what the hell they are talking about.

In all of those 17-23 years of your life (most likely only voted for one presidential election) when was the last time you felt particularly disappointed to be an American?

So America sucks unless you have things the way you want them. Sure.



Maybe, hopefully, you feel like this is what you meant to say:

"I finally understand what it means to be an American."



Just think before you say something like that. Life doesn't suck that much, it's completely unsubstantiated pessimism.

Driving.

I don't care whether you are alone on 93 going through the White Mountains, in traffic where Rte. 3 meets 95, or driving to Lil Peach to get condoms and bananas.


Be real. How much harder is it to move your left hand less than SIX INCHES to move a plastic arm that even SHUTS ITSELF OFF? Not much harder. Deal with it.



DO NOT be THAT GUY.
Use your blinker.

Radio

Huge peeve: I listen to the radio quite rarely. when I do, it is even more rare that I hear something that I like. it is excruciating to hear a song i like on the radio and then have it segway into another song and the announcer never tells you what it is because they said what it was before they played it or some stupid scenario like that. Or if you have to leave the car or turn it off before the song finishes and you can find out who it is by. SO annoying.

Attention

Something that really really destroys any hope I have in humanity is when girls exploit some gross situation to draw attention to themselves. Like if something is gross and then they totally flip out and yell and make a scene just so everyone will watch and take note that that individual thinks what is going in is icky. Chances are everyone agrees with you, and they are handling themselves. Fucking deal with it.

Broken Window Car Decorations

These never look good, and you sure as hell aren't fooling anybody.

Buffalo Chicken.

To all delicious local pizza eateries,


Don't puss out of your buffalo chicken by putting some bullshit imitation hot sauce creation on GRILLED CHICKEN. We can tell. And it's not good.

It feels and tastes like I'm trying to eat Keanu Reeves' leather pants from The Matrix.

So grow a pair, maybe spend that extra ten bucks, and lather some BREADED chicken tenders in a REAL hot sauce and then serve those little pieces of heaven to me in a calzone or a sub with lettuce and tomato.

Damn.

Sauce.

When I eat my pasta, I want sauce. Be it alfredo or what have you, I must have the sauce.

Some good pasta sauce is always a good thing.


But pasta sauce with massive chunks of tomatoes and onions and all the other stuff that went into making it is NOT okay. This isn't sauce, its chili.

Look.

If I wanted my sauce that way, I would've asked for salsa.

Pinball.

So while I was in Plymouth visiting my girlfriend, I went to an arcade.

I forgot how much I love arcades.

This was not the average arcade though. There were modern games, you know, your Time Crisis machines and your Daytona USAs. Upstairs, things got real. The top floor of this arcade is FILLED ENTIRELY with old classic arcade games. Dig dug, Tapper, Double Dragon, Pole Position 1 & 2, mario bros, donkey kong, and even track and field (one of my favorites).

More importantly, there was an whole wall lined with pinball machines. After cashing 20 bucks for game tokens (almost all of these classics were 1 token mind you), I decided that I should play every pinball machine there. This is where is center this blog entry back in line with its goal.

Why do pinball machines have so many ways that you can lose a ball and have no way to prevent it from happening? On about a fourth of the machines I played, I had at least one ball that found its way past my flippers without me even pressing a single button.

Is there any skill at all involved in pinball? No matter how good your flipper hand is, there is ALWAYS that ball that goes RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE. Or those two side lanes near the flippers that just send the ball out of play.

I just want to know which pinball guru decided that pinball should be the potentially easiest game to lose.



And those stupid "match" things and the end of each game are bullshit too. You never win those.

Chips.

Christmas Eve comes around every year and all I want to do is eat. My holiday consists of basically a massive buffet, complete with anything from chili to meatballs.

Then the side table.

This side table is filled with chips and DIPS. I LOVE DIPS. My mother makes a delicious onion dip every Christmas.

There is nothing more disappointing than losing your chip in a once-a-year dip.

Upper Lip Rash

So you know when you see a little kid running around, and they keep putting their ENTIRE upper lip into their mouth? And the reason they are doing that is because their whole upper lip is bright red from a rash that was induced by trying to constantly douse their lip in saliva? Well, the only thing less annoying than having even a little bit of one of those is seeing ANYONE else with one. No exceptions.

Cell Phones

If I take my phone out to IGNORE/SILENCE a necessary phone call (mom, girlfriend, etc.) it does not mean that I have broken the taboo and EVERYONE is entitled to check their phone. Simultaneously.


While watching a movie, no matter how much you hate it, texting is unacceptable. There is no person or situation that a text message conversation is warranted for.

Watching Movies

MOM MOVIE PET PEEVE

typically, movies that I watch with my mom are movies that I've already seen which I want my parents or family to view because I think they'll like it. Sometimes it is a movie I want to watch and a good way to include the family. However, one of the following scenarios eventually transpires:

1. My mom falls asleep, and starts snoring loudly, as in much louder than the movie we are trying to watch.

2. My mom leaves the room for one reason or another.

both of these scenarios result in my Mom coming back to senses and asking what she missed, to which my brother and I protest vehemently but our father forces us to pause the movie and explain what has happened, even having to explain up to a duration of 45 minutes of the movie. After that, she wonders why she doesn't understanding or didn't like the movie (not understanding that it is near impossible to explain the subtleties of 45 minutes of a well-crafted film). This ruins her perception of the movie, and can sometimes ruin my viewing of the film too.

GENERAL MOVIE-WATCHING INEPTITUDE PEEVE
When people ask questions about a movie that clearly have not been answered, instead of just waiting to see if the movie resolves their question. My response is inevitably "just wait and see what happens", or "the audience doesn't know yet". If you have questions about the movie, ASK AFTERWARDS.

If you're walking in front of me, walk faster.

Love,
Ryan

Buzzkill

since it is winter, this pet peeve is all the more prevalent. I HATE HATE HATE it when you run and jump to slide, be it on ice with shoes, a wood floor with socks, or just a wet surface, and instead of the desired effect of a long smooth ride, your foot just catches and you are forced to run it out awkwardly and with a deflated ego. There is so much ice that looks so prime for sliding, and being a boarder i enjoy sliding so i fall into this trap regularly. occasionally you will hit a slippery patch after trying to slide and maybe jerk around a little, making your back or neck sore the next day. so annoying. i'd rather get hit by a bus.

I was thinking.

Can anyone relate to the very real possibility of doing a miniseries strictly on seat belt-related peeves?



Just think about it. I guarantee you'll think of at least three right away.

Jay

A New Age of Irritation

This is the peeveblog. Our goal (yours truly, Jay and Ryan) is to paint our own image of the world through the lens of buzzkilling and supremely annoying slights that just, shall we say, rub us the wrong way. Ryan and I are sitting next to each other on a late late monday night (or tuesday morning) after a long round of four player Left 4 Dead. I shall lay down the first peeve in this chronicle of many.

Peeve #1: Stretchy T-shirt Necks.

I can't stand them. At all. Not even a little bit. I take a fair deal of heat from my girlfriend on this one too. I can't even sit on leather couches. The shirt rubs up on it and I get the stretch. Maybe a little warm outside. Then the INEVITABLE occurs.

The neck on my t-shirt stretches out all over the place. I look and feel like a fat kid who just ran the boston marathon for twinkies. Or like the chubby kid from Plaistow, NH with the awkward long hair who went to Hampton Beach with his parents the weekend after the Nascar race at Loudon and took a dip, came outside, got a sloppy italian sausage with burnt onions and then blew his year's worth of allowance money at the arcade trying to get first place in Daytona USA.

So so so so so irritating. It might be strange, you might not be able to relate, but I hate it and it just rubs me the wrong way. Just let it be.

Jay