Oh - and by the way.
Remember that free toy at the bottom of the Frosted Flakes box? Yeah? The one that little Jimmy groped through the cereal for an hour and a half with his obviously unwashed and newly potty trained hands for?
Good luck trying to eat that with a clear mind.
Thanks for putting the free stuff at the bottom and causing young ones to inevitably desecrate our favorite breakfast cereals around the world.
Now I have to buy a whole new box. Douchebag.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Cereal Boxes.
Seriously.
How did I manage to ever get these bags of cereal open when I was a kid? With the added challenge of the early-morning-lack-of-strength, it is virtually impossible to bust open one of these cereal bags safely these days.
Vacuum packed and welded shut to keep your Lucky Charms shelf-life long enough to keep around for the nuclear holocaust. Thanks, douchebags.
OH.
And once I finally crack the safe with all the cool gadgets I got from Q over at MI6 (you've got to be James Bond to sneak into these boxes) the contents of the whole bag explodes and spreads everywhere like that cheap box of fireworks you bought from "some guy my brother knows" in the Costco parking lot in Nashua at 3am. Makes 52 card pickup actually look like family fun.
Once you jam that bag back into the box it belongs in - I DEFY YOU to fit that horribly misshapen box back into your neat little cereal section in the pantry. NOT GONNA HAPPEN, PAL. That box is as bloated as your mother after the company party at the Hong Kong - "I'll have another Mai Tai - IT'S NOT EVEN MY BIRTHDAY!"
Where are the breakfast engineers.
How did I manage to ever get these bags of cereal open when I was a kid? With the added challenge of the early-morning-lack-of-strength, it is virtually impossible to bust open one of these cereal bags safely these days.
Vacuum packed and welded shut to keep your Lucky Charms shelf-life long enough to keep around for the nuclear holocaust. Thanks, douchebags.
OH.
And once I finally crack the safe with all the cool gadgets I got from Q over at MI6 (you've got to be James Bond to sneak into these boxes) the contents of the whole bag explodes and spreads everywhere like that cheap box of fireworks you bought from "some guy my brother knows" in the Costco parking lot in Nashua at 3am. Makes 52 card pickup actually look like family fun.
Once you jam that bag back into the box it belongs in - I DEFY YOU to fit that horribly misshapen box back into your neat little cereal section in the pantry. NOT GONNA HAPPEN, PAL. That box is as bloated as your mother after the company party at the Hong Kong - "I'll have another Mai Tai - IT'S NOT EVEN MY BIRTHDAY!"
Where are the breakfast engineers.
Subs.
DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED WITH THIS BITCH.
THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER EATEN A MEATBALL SUB.
When the sub breaks - FROM THE BOTTOM.
SEE YOU LATER MARINARA AND SEE YOU LATER MEATBALLS
WELCOME TO MY CLOTHES AND PUBLIC AND/OR PRIVATE EMBARASSMENT/HUMILIATION
THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ANYONE WHO HAS EVER EATEN A MEATBALL SUB.
When the sub breaks - FROM THE BOTTOM.
SEE YOU LATER MARINARA AND SEE YOU LATER MEATBALLS
WELCOME TO MY CLOTHES AND PUBLIC AND/OR PRIVATE EMBARASSMENT/HUMILIATION
Wrappers.
I think,
that every time I open a little thing of those super-cheap crackers or a Hershey's candy bar, I split that stupid tab thing that you are supposed to grab onto in order to open the bag or wrapper or whatever you want to call it.
I don't know about you, readers, but I don't keep a utility knife or a nice pair of Fiskars in my back pocket. And those might not even work with the crackers - you might as well snort the crumbs from them by the time you actually get the bastard open.
This should not be common. I shouldn't need a plasma cutter to open the Fort Knox packaging on my Hershey's bar, just to make a complete mess out of the s'more it's just going to turn into.
that every time I open a little thing of those super-cheap crackers or a Hershey's candy bar, I split that stupid tab thing that you are supposed to grab onto in order to open the bag or wrapper or whatever you want to call it.
I don't know about you, readers, but I don't keep a utility knife or a nice pair of Fiskars in my back pocket. And those might not even work with the crackers - you might as well snort the crumbs from them by the time you actually get the bastard open.
This should not be common. I shouldn't need a plasma cutter to open the Fort Knox packaging on my Hershey's bar, just to make a complete mess out of the s'more it's just going to turn into.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Finally.
Congress has now become fed up with the uncomfortably loud infomercials.
If you have ever found yourself saying, "Is it just me or is this Billy Mays commercial super loud, thus forcing me to turn down the volume way more often than I need to?" - then it isn't just you. Turns out that these infomercials are actually WAY louder than standard programming - and Congress is PISSED.
This is what I like to see/hear - people actively working against annoying stuff so everyone doesn't have to deal with it. Thank you.
If you have ever found yourself saying, "Is it just me or is this Billy Mays commercial super loud, thus forcing me to turn down the volume way more often than I need to?" - then it isn't just you. Turns out that these infomercials are actually WAY louder than standard programming - and Congress is PISSED.
This is what I like to see/hear - people actively working against annoying stuff so everyone doesn't have to deal with it. Thank you.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Carrying Heavy Stuff
these guys are movers. they do it professionally. however, when anyone is a non-mover and carrying heavy stuff upstairs, someone gets shafted. not with most of the weight, but the person on the top end who is actually carrying less weight is put in the most awkward position since close-to-home misplaced molestation jokes. The person on top is squatting trying to get upstairs and leaning in some impossible way, while still trying to carry some amount of the weight. fucking sucks. your body should never be crouched trying to stay low and trying ascend at the same time, its like trying to jump and stay crouched the entire time....what?
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
"It's A Free Country."
I have very rarely heard this phrase ACTUALLY used when it is warranted.
Sure, "it's a free country". You're free to door a meter maid for a particularly nasty parking ticket. You're free to run over your ex-boyfriend after a particularly nasty break-up. You're free to steal 10 xbox games from someone's dorm room.
You're also free to spend a few years in jail or be a raging douchebag. No worries, right?
Before you ever say this phrase, think and try to give ANY other reason to replace that phrase. Chances are it makes more sense.
Sure, "it's a free country". You're free to door a meter maid for a particularly nasty parking ticket. You're free to run over your ex-boyfriend after a particularly nasty break-up. You're free to steal 10 xbox games from someone's dorm room.
You're also free to spend a few years in jail or be a raging douchebag. No worries, right?
Before you ever say this phrase, think and try to give ANY other reason to replace that phrase. Chances are it makes more sense.
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